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annie.i have a new loveand it's warm like a gun,
this is what becomes of us .
blurs and outlines.i cannot recall my best friend's face.
i put one foot forward
don't. if i had you here;
snap you up and leave you sprawling.
no sheets off.
no stretched out limbs over the side.
i never slept like a child who knew that they were safe.
covers up, pillow barrier.
fan on.
don't feel the heat.
the sickening heat of fear.
images. sounds.
scared.
unsettled.
it's all in your head, it's all in your head.
but that's the worst place for it to be.
you left, i died.
i went and you cried.
all the things that i wish i never said,are played on lips 'til it's madness in my head.
two days ago, i got older.
i can't feel it,
i just know it.
but a new year has begun, i've reached the finish line of the past one, and things are different.
and sometimes, i can feel that. a new and exciting start, a better birthday, and dumb moments where things that shouldn't be said are.
there's a strange lack of control that i'm doing quite well at being ok with.
what i wanted, didn't happen.
no mittagundi.
no accoustic guitars by the fire.
no best birthday ever.
no sal. no matt.
no favourite place in the world.
things never turn out the way they should.
no plans i ever make turn out the way i imagine. and want.
life can be a bit a bit dumb.
but i'm ok. and 16.
i think the finish line's a good place we could start.
'sannie, you loved that song.'
things between people;
i will leave under the cover;
this morning i woke to clouds and the realisation that i had woken up at 6:30 on a saturday morning.
i lay for a while contemplating the amount of sleep i must have had.
countless 'just-because-i-can' late nights have built themselves up darkly beneath my eyes.
eventually i got up and wandered outside for a look.
i let sooty out and we stood still for a moment and took it all in. this was the first before 7 i had seen in about a month.
we wandered back in. and i went back to sleep.
now, it is lunchtime and the clouds are still there, the cool is still there and i am enjoying the sounds of sufjan stevens.
and i feel quite joyous.
yesterday afternoon, the clouds built up and the thunder roared overhead and the rain danced hard and loud against the ground outside.
it was all a bit beautiful.
 there is twenty-eight days until i leave for melbourne on a plane. and somehow find my way to nelson's place. and somehow keep myself from being killed by drug dealers and emos at the train station. then, my friends, if i make it that far, i am off to mittagundi!!
it will be quite an adventure and to a certain degree, i am scared. {mainly of drug dealers and emos stabbing me at the train station}.
so perhaps i will wear a stab vest.
or maybe i will just cower under a park bench until nellie comes.
we will see.
the end of the school year has come and gone for me. i am now slightly free.
exams are over.
year 10 is over.
and the formal is a distant memory.. of a week ago.
it was a nice night. pretty dresses, swish suits.
it wasn't the most 'formal' of nights, the exterior look at it was nice - the viewing, the mocktails, the photos, mixed with the cringe worthy likes of poses and fake tans.
but a step inside, and it was just a night of dancing made to appear as so much more.
but i enjoyed myself.
the majority of people were in it for the after-party.
"ohhhh when is this going to finish, i just want to go to the after-party."
the night soon ended. and the after-party was attended. and it was good.
the word 'good' isn't that convincing. but good was what it was. fun, and such, is always dampened by the end.
and the end, it seemed came to soon.
i'm quite sad that it's all over. but it is.
now, summer is here, and jared will be home soon. and, i feel it's time for a little dashboard. <3
now is the time.and i won't leave,
but i might run.
i feel at loss,
for the things i've not done.
i must rise from the grey,
and get used to the sun.
for things are turning a little bit brighter.
i see it in their eyes.
two times a day;i speak your name in conversations.
good conversations make happy kids.
or maybe just happy annies.
ary and i talk. it's a good sort of talk, that i happen to like. and jordan, i love jordan a whole entire lot. we discuss ethan's future interpretive dance career. [he is a magician of movement!] yesterday, i ran very fast to the post office box so that i wouldn't miss the bus, and i sent her a cd with pretty piano driven songs.
i called my brother. [his name is jared and i'm going to buy him a ponyy] because i wanted to. 'twas an impulse decision.
and i left the sandwich maker on. miss t won't give me the poster but she is just a mean cow-face who loves tomas and tormenting everyone that does not think she is cool.
which, is just about everyone. the people sufferr. savveeee the people. not today, i am busy.. thinking of interpretive dance, and speaking to three of my favourite people. <3 we started out beautiful. old lover, you miss meover the ocean.
i hope this finds you well.
warm sun on my back.
the earth on it's axis.
"hi sianne, do you know frank?"
today,
was like a film, the special simply beautiful ones
where nothing over dramatic happens -
real life is enough. and i looked a little closer.
and i talked a little quieter
and i listened a little more.
and i amuse myself no end.
i discovered the joy of room 2 last term. i like to sit in the seats on the
left hand side so i can sit and stare at the rev martin luther king jnr poster. i find it to be highly inspiring. miss t said she might give it to me. but she's a bit of a liar.
t. she will probably change her mind.
sometimes i feel a little sad.
the way you do when people
are not here and i am missing.
'aaron? is that youuu? i am glad you are home.' [i am glad aaron is home] "alwaysss keep the dockets. i don'ttt know whyy no one keeps the dockets."
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